Department of Investigative Mortality

Here's a REAL existential crisis that has been hidden for too long...

(At the formation of the Republic, discussions centered on well-meaning, competent people who would give up what they were doing for a time to go into government and then return to their regular occupations. The present political arrangement often subordinates the better judgment of the officeholder to their preoccupation with re-election by buying taxpayer votes with taxpayer monies in what has turned into one the greatest con games ever invented.)

     Think of all the wonderful Federal programs that are such models of efficiency and public service.  The IRS, HHS, USDOE, EPA, DRD*…I could go on and on with more of the alphabet agencies, but I’m sure you get the idea.

           My real reason for bringing up all those wonderful examples of helpful, beneficial and extremely useful Federal programs is that our politicians have made so much progress in improving our lives (and especially theirs) through the judicial application of larger and larger amounts of our money, but surely there is even more that can be done.

     I have discovered, in a related branch of research, a shocking fact kept hidden for many years: 100% of the patients of all doctors eventually die. No, really, it’s true and has been going on for years right under our noses. I believe this has for decades been a cover-up on an unimaginable worldwide scale, and Congress should investigate immediately.  Lawmakers in every state must also enact legislation to outlaw death to save, if not our lives, then at least those of our children and grandchildren. We must declare the moral equivalent of war and enlist the help of those with doctorates not necessarily in the field of medicine to stem the steady inexorable march of daily deaths by providing medical advice and prescriptions for all and guarantee the instant availability of vital, life-extending medical services. These special Docs Against Mortality (DAM) will work to immediately lower (or at least recount and reconfigure using methodology developed during the COVID epidemic) the 100% fatality rate and work with the efficiency and costs and positive effects we have come to expect from Federal programs and bureaus. Doctoral students who have not yet completed their dissertation and/or internships might also serve in a more limited capacity as Docs Against Mortality In Training (DAMIT).